Things are tough at home right now and have been for some time. Do you press the eject button or do you press on?
Before throwing your partner’s things in a bin liner and calling a divorce lawyer, let us take a trip to the beautiful islands of Hawaii. From Wooloongabba, Wyoming or Warwickshire, the warmth of the sand on Waikiki Beach between your toes with the refreshing Trade Winds gently blowing. Let your imagination comfort you for a moment and let us be one with the indigenous Hawaiian people, for part of our journey today involves teachings from Ho’oponopono. As we go through the list, the parts of Ho’oponopono will become apparent and will be explained in relation to how to remedy difficulty in relationships.
1. “WHAT DO YOU NEED FROM ME RIGHT NOW?”
Here is the normal scenario in Wyoming, Wooloongabba or Warwickshire: There is a disagreement or argument brewing. Wife wants to fight. Husband wants to withdraw. She gives chase, hoping for a reaction and he normally tries to stay silent. Naturally, these roles can be reversed.
Asking the above question to your partner tells them subtly that you want to connect, not withdraw or avoid. This will in turn calm them down, which gives licence to civilised discussion and possible problem solving.
2. “HOW CAN I HELP TO TAKE SOME OF THE BURDEN OFF TODAY?”
The response could be as simple as a “please listen to me” after a long, hard day or as intimate as giving a nice back rub. This gives your partner an opportunity to let off steam in whichever way they choose. This shows that you are as cool as a cucumber under pressure, and not going bananas like a crazed monkey!
Asking the above question to your partner tells them subtly that you care for them despite what has gone on between the pair of you. You are in a relationship and both parties have the right to benefits by being in one.
3. “I’M SORRY.”
Being specific as to why and how to improve for next time.
Grab your sun-screen and your beach towel, folks, it is time to make our first stop in Hawaii. This is Ho’oponopono Rule #1. Being sorry, or “minamina” in Hawaiian, because you know that you have done wrong and want to put right that wrong breathes life into the lungs of a relationship, much like the aforementioned Trade Winds in the Hawaiian archipelago. Being specific about why you are sorry is very important because it disarms more powerfully and talking of improving on that foible can start to melt the Ice King/Queen.
Example: “I apologise for not taking out the trash last night, babe. I understand that the kitchen stinks because of my forgetful actions and I will be more aware next time.”
4. “THANK YOU.”
Being specific as to why.
Staying in Hawai’i for this this one. This is Ho’oponopono Rule #3. Being grateful is such an appealing trait and makes you a more attractive person. It works in Wyoming, Warwickshire, Wooloongabba, or Waikiki Beach. It makes your significant other want to do more things with you and for you because you let them know that you appreciate them and especially so if you are thanking them for mundane tasks, people do not expect it for those. This following example is like having your feet caressed by the warm Pacific Ocean waters on the Hawaiian beach. Mahalo!
Example: “Thank you so much for taking out the trash last night, babe. I really appreciate it when you take the time to do it, even though you have that important meeting with Akamai this morning.”
5. “I’M PROUD OF YOU.”
Being specific as to why.
Knowing that you are doing well and having your good work appreciated at home is deeply rewarding. Feeling valued with your loved ones will give an ego boost guaranteed, making the smallest of us feel like the tallest. This is accentuated by big news, like a promotion or playing/coaching a grassroots sports team. Or even better when your partner was brave in the face of fear. Imagine your honey bunny saving someone’s life, the ultimate life accomplishment!
Example: “I am so proud of you for sticking up for that elderly lady. Many people would have swerved it, but not my boo. You are my hero and our kids are lucky to have a mum/dad like you.”
6. “OUR KIDS ARE LUCKY TO HAVE A MUM/DAD LIKE YOU.”
Being told that you are a great role model for Trixie and Trevor is the stand-out compliment one human being can give to another, knowing how hard a task being a parent is. If it comes from your other half, expect them to do somersaults in the living room, never mind having a spring in their step!
7. “PLEASE FORGIVE ME.”
Being specific as to why.
The whole thing of asking for forgiveness and giving it is one of the hardest things a couple goes through between themselves. To take the edge off things, we are back in Hawai’i with Ho’oponopono Rule #2. This is the continuation of Number 3, mending the damage already done but Operation Kala is well under way. It is like climbing Diamond Head volcano on O’ahu, it is an arduous, sometimes scary journey, but the view from the top is spectacular.
Example: “Please forgive me for eyeing up that Hawaiian lady in the grass skirt in front of you. I was insensitive and made you uncomfortable.”
8. “I LOVE YOU.”
Unfortunately, this is our last visit to the Hawaiian archipelago with Ho’oponopono Rule #4. This is the sunset on a beautiful day of learning and discovery. To say “I love you”, or in Hawaiian “Aloha no au ia ‘oe”, is something that is sacred within a family and saying it every time all adds up in the brownie points bag. Do not forget to be specific about why you love your darling.
Example: “I love you because you are such a gentleman with my sister.”
Time to board the plane in Honolulu back to reality, unless Hawai’i is your reality in which you are one lucky son/daughter of a gun!
9. “I’M GOING TO MAKE MORE OF AN EFFORT TO…”
This is important because your beau/belle deserves a partner who is always changing and growing as a person, who in turn becomes a better partner. How much of a difference would it make to your relationship if you say you will change for the better, and then back those words up with action?
Example: “I will make more of an effort with the kids’ homework. I know I should have done Trixie’s twelve times table yesterday. I will come home early today and help her with her spellings.
10. “THANK YOU FOR BEING SOMEONE I CAN RESPECT.”
What are the odds on a relationship staying alive with someone you do not respect and admire? “Without respect, there is no love,” says the old adage. Knowing that you are respected at home breeds self-esteem, which can be transmitted into other areas of your life. A respected person is a happy person, after all